Shit goes down

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Cervantes said, “While we are asleep, we are all equal”.

He may be right. But I genuinely have something else in mind. I say, “Nothing says we are all equal than while we are shitting”. 

In this whole hullabaloo of the world trying to say we are all the same, that we have the same emotions and feelings, the same planet, the same addiction to sex and lust, the same hunger for cheese pizza, they have forgotten one important thing. Shitting. The one thing we all do irrespective of caste, creed, colour, gender, race and ethnicity. 

Females produce eggs. Males produce sperms. But both of them shits. 

Columbus may have “found” (whatever that means) America. But he still had to go to the bushes like the Native Americans. 

Brahmins might be all gangster in figuring out whose penises are circumcised and whose are not. But skin or no skin, all of them shits. 

Modi shits, y’all. Big time.

The Ambanis’ shits. All of them. The richest family in India shits in the richest commode. 

Is there any other way to do it? 

All of them and all of us do it. Rolling down our pants, looking at our sheer nakedness, bowing down before a white commode, legs spread, sitting down and letting nature run its course. 

Think about it. Your entire life revolves around shit. 

When you are an infant, it is when you shit, your darling dad or mom comes in and changes you, bathes you, cleans you up. If you look close enough, you will find how it also dictates social norms. Can someone please explain what in the world are “diaper dads”? 

I see celebrities come for interviews and glorify their husbands because they changed a diaper. Wow. That’s…wow. Let us all give a standing ovation for a guy who changed his own kid’s diaper. Reminds me of a joke where the husband tells his wife, “Sometimes I babysit”. The wife gets angry and tells him, “It is not baby-sitting, when they are your kids”.

Freud developed the psycho-analytic theory where he categorized our life into the oral, anal, phallic, latency, and genital stages. 

Anal stage is around the time you are more than an infant but less than a kid. This is where you undergo potty training. This control and release is the basic fulcrum of the lesson. That you can’t wear diapers all your life and you need to set a biological clock for the same. 

The release of such a control is delayed gratification. Only Freud can make shit so sexual. 

Come on, no one on this planet can deny how it must have felt when you sat down to shit after a long duel. When you want to go so bad, but someone is using the bathroom and you are praying with clasped hands for it to withdraw into your body. When you are convincing yourself it is just an illusion. When you are convincing yourself that you are going to make it. That you are not going to die. Two more minutes! You can do it! Two more minutes! Your head is throbbing, your bums are knocking, pounding on the door. Then finally with no more than ten seconds before full explosion, someone gets out of the bathroom. You get inside, pull down your pants in a hurry and boom, boom, boom. Tears might just come out. The most joyous moments of your life. 

Then of course, the shit that is your life.

As life progresses, you see shit all around you. I am serious. The most obvious are the public washrooms where it is in full display. Then you have more subtle hints. Shitty people you have to smile to. Shitty gifts you have to thank for. Shitty drama that was uncalled for. Just plain shit. 

Then probably you have bouts of diarrhoea and constipation. You will go to the doctor who will prescribe a list of medicines and a diet chart

Then, when you are experimenting with sex positions, the anal or lovably known as the doggy style, you are figuring out how not to smell like shit, and still do the “oohs and the aahs”. 

As you get older, it is difficult to sit. But it sometimes reeks in the house. Sometimes you need help. But most of the times you want to do this at least by yourself. It is the one thing left from your dignity that you want to cherish. 

Death comes when you are no longer able to shit. Your kidneys start to build up toxins from the inside, because there is nowhere else to go. 


My point exactly. 

Oprah Winfrey shits. Bill Gates shits. Priyanka Chopra. Jennifer Lopez. Deepika Padukone. Shah Rukh Khan. Gandhi. Mandela. Birbal. Tenali Raman. Jesus. 

All of them have done great things for the world. They have contributed so much. But what makes them human like all of us is not because they dress so casual, not because they have cheeky captions on Instagram, not because they are “relatable” (barf), not because they are “foodies” (barfs even more), not because they have flesh and blood. What makes them human is shit.

And if that is the case, we are no different from birds and beasts. We all shit. That is the sole thread that connects us all. 

I do not know about you, but I find it extremely humbling that no matter what happens, no matter where you are in the social strata, your pride and ego stands nowhere when you have to shit. And that, some of the “celebrated” assholes still have to sit and shit like all of us. Unless they are constipated, which makes great sense… (because, they are full of shit, duh). 

I take great comfort in knowing that every morning, they too get inside their bathroom and get down to business. 

Yeah sure, we love the same. But all of us love in different ways. 

Yes, we want happiness. But that too, is relative.

And yes, we all want ice cream. But that is variant as well. 

There is only one way to shit. Unless you have had spicy Kung Pao chilli chicken, then yes of course, the colour, size and solidity might differ. 

They might have a lot of people kissing their asses. 

But whatever said and done, they still need to wipe their own ass. 

Featured Image Credits: Needpix

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