The conflict of good and evil

I conflict every day to see goodness. I try to find a pure soul, a soul with no evil shades, something so innocent that proves me wrong because I believe that the world is full of betrayal, jealousy, selfishness, ego, crime, and uncountable offenses. I believe it because I think I am one of them! But when I am quiet inside, I often go through my past incidents, and I always try to unravel myself. Still, there are a few questions that always intrigue me. Questions that were raised by some of my encounters with people whom they looked up to, who mattered to me and my life. 

One such person was my best friend. We studied in the same coaching. We decided to study hard and get admitted together in a reputed college. But, he constantly lied about his performance in tests. After the final results, he revealed that he lied to me. He took admission in a college near his hometown. Meanwhile, I was unhappy even after getting a good college, as I had to drift away from him. When I asked, he said he lied because he didn’t want to lose me. He still lied about several other exam results.

One beautiful day I got extremely exasperated. I broke the friendship. Now, after several years, I think, was it his disloyalty that broke our friendship or my impatient behavior? When I look at myself now, I feel I have been more treacherous to myself than he ever had been. And the bad in him is nothing as compared to the worst situations that I might have created. But anyway, there is no looking back! The friendship once broken can never be rebuilt the same way as it was before.

And soon, I remember another instance.

She was a good friend. She liked my spouse. She continuously tried for him even though she knew that we were together. She wanted to separate us, or maybe she just wanted to bring him closer to her. She disrespected our relationship. I was irritated because I knew that she was betraying me. I kept silent because I trusted him. But I lost trust in her. Now whenever she talks to me, I suspect her. But when I dived more profoundly, I understood that she went through a breakup and was desperate, which is normal in her condition. She saw me happy and wanted the same. She saw us fighting and thought we were not on good terms.

Was she wrong to want love from a person she likes? Was she wrong because she had a break up? Wasn’t it my responsibility to understand her and help her out? Maybe I became selfish, or perhaps she should have thought about our friendship before betraying me, or perhaps I should give her a second chance. But I somehow realized that it doesn’t work that way. Trust once gone is gone forever. And I lost another friendship!

As tears rolled down my eyes, a painful present stood in. 

I work very hard at my workplace. I never give any personal excuses in my office work and conferences. I deserve a lot. A new girl walked joined the office, and my boss started liking her. She was getting all his attention and work positions, which I felt was unfair. The co-employer’s jealousy started plotting things to keep them apart, and we fell in our self-made hole. He kept us away from the office for the next two weeks and made her his new personal assistant. Yeah, I got jealous, It hurt my ego too. I felt that emotions could melt people, and she used those weapons.

I felt the injustice towards me. I don’t respect her. But maybe she was just lucky. Perhaps this was a ray of light for her after the darkness she had gone through. We never know what a person is going through. But anyway, life has to move on. And so did I! I forgot everything and accepted her. 

Just when I tried to smile, I heard a cry inside me.

I liked a guy. He liked me too. We made love and fortunately or unfortunately I got pregnant. We didn’t want the baby. He was with me. We killed our baby. We just killed it. It wasn’t less than a crime. We still cry, thinking about the black day. Was it wrongdoing abortion of a baby who would see a messed up life after birth? Or wasn’t it wrong to make love in the first place? We tell each other that it was a mistake and beg forgiveness. Will that free us from the tag of “killers”? I don’t have the answers. All I do is revise my mistakes, again and again, to avoid it in the future. 

And then I heard a name, Sanu, my elder sister, and I couldn’t stop laughing.

She is always annoyed with me. I feel she kind of hated me. She ever complained about me to mom and dad. And they scolded me. She laughed. I never tried to do the same with her. I always saved her from any type of scolding. I loved her so much. In my childhood, she never let mom sleep near me. I used to get scared, dreamt terribly, but never got stubborn. Sometimes I think, did my good behavior make her do all that to me? Was it my mistake to act maturely at that age? Or was it her mistake in making efforts to keep her beloved mom and dad close to her? Before I came, she was the only child they had, and after I arrived, she felt she was less loved. She was just securing her love. At that tender age, neither she understood the “maturity” she needed nor the “pain” that she was causing to me. 

But few things just steal your innocence, and I thought of a guy with a feeling of rage burning inside. He had a habit of addressing me while talking to someone else. Those were kind of indirect talks to make him look smarter. Why can’t he tell me directly? I would have been more pleased if he had dared to say it to me. I didn’t know his motives, but now, I suspect each and everybody who speaks to me. Sometimes even if they don’t talk about me, I suspect them, misunderstand them. And it can’t go away from my head. I took revenge. When things were going out of my hand, I did similar things to him to make him understand how it feels to be in that situation. I sometimes regret being too selfish.

He might have another motive, or maybe simply I misunderstood him. Perhaps my perspective was wrong. Or maybe his way of explaining things was wrong. Or maybe it was no one’s mistake. It was just a miscommunication. Whatever it is, in the real world, the final result is significant and not the process. His activity has hurt me, and nothing will ever soothe it. The anger, ego, idea of revenge and the whole situation is still burning in my heart.

But what I always look for is an “Answer”. Answers to all the questions that I keep asking myself. The problem which needs an answer is ‘where does Evil and Good’ lie? In my relentless struggle to find the truth, the truth of good and evil, I found that the monster lied in me, I often remember Sant Kabir,

“Bura Jo dekhan main chala,
Bura na milaya koi,
Jo mann khoja apana,
Toh mujhse bura na koi.”

“But the truth is that when you try to find bad in people, it lies within you. And when you try to find good in people, it lies within you, only you!”

A balance of good and evil defines a person and completes a person. Without evil, “good” would have no meaning. Human behavior is a combination of these good and evil feelings. Today my soul is peaceful because I need not conflict finding good and evil in people. I know I have it in me, only me!!!