There is a special place in hell for greed. In Dante’s Inferno, he talks about the so-called vice inhabiting the fourth circle of hell. Sinners who are gluttons, lustful, and spendthrifts end up here. In other words, all of us.
Your mother always told you that you could have everything. She used to drill that fact into you. So she would take you to dance and music classes. You used to go and win debates and elocution competitions. You participated and brought back medals for swimming tournaments. You hosted and organized many programs. You volunteered at many social events. And you had a full A+ report card.
Your mother would say, “You can do all of this and more. As long as you don’t slump in the other. You can go for recitals, but I need full A+’s on the report card. But then again, I want you to go out there and volunteer. Life is not just about academics. Juggle all the balls well”.
Plurality was a way of life. It was the norm. You don’t know any different.
You do not realize how hard it could hit until sophomore year. You were asked to make a decision to pick a stream that will then supposedly define your future, your career, and whatnot. How could you even choose when you wanted to learn both computer science and humanities?
That was the beginning of a very confusing world.
You weren’t spoilt by choice. It is not like you were being indecisive about ordering your food. You know what you want. Everything.
There are so many layers attached to you, and every layer needs to be fed. The challenge, therefore, is simply this. You are never satisfied. Never fully content. Being extremely greedy, you are always on the hunt for more. You are the happiest when you are doing multiple things and doing all of them with a hundred percent earnestness.
Very few days, you end up crying. To live in this world with the kind of hunger and insatiable appetite that I have is tiring and exhausting. You have so much to give. But the world wants too little. You have so much to offer. But the world wants to keep giving discounts. You have so much to do. But the world is asking you to slow down. You want to be in many places. But the world tells you to settle down. The world wants you to walk on this linear plane. While you have always hated geometry.
Greed was always your virtue. You used to be confused when people said that it is not.
You see yourself as this kid with a crayon box. Never happy with one stick of color. Always in the mode to attack the paper with more, with a viciousness one only sees with kids.
Even in relationships, it trickles down. You are confused. Why do you love and hate the same thing about someone? How can you like two people at the same time? You know you are not supposed to. But you want both of them. You want the love that he gives, and yet you want the happiness that the other gives. You want to be hurt, and you want to be loved. You want to be in pain and to be held. You want everything. You want to fairy tale, and you want the anti-villain. You want Prince Charming, and you want the bad boy. You want to hold hands, but you are equally annoyed with the relationship tag. You want people to understand you, but not too much. You want the best of both worlds.
You want to explore the traditional roles of femininity and masculinity. You want to get to know the man and woman inside of you. You have always been confused when people said that you shouldn’t climb trees. You have always been confused when people said that girls should help around in the kitchen. You have always been taken aback when girls should wax, and boys grow hair. You have been extremely puzzled why men’s cars and watches look bigger and broader, and the same thing for the ladies is more slender and lean?
That doesn’t stop you. You still want everything. Yes, you want to flirt with your tongue, wearing men’s perfume. You want to dance freely, with a man’s abandon. You want to fight with a woman’s intelligence. You want to earn your bread, with a woman’s flair.
You want everything. You know it. You know that since you were born. You want to bake the cake and eat it too. You want to hit the gym and yet slurp down milkshakes. You do not want to work a 9-5 job, but you are ready to hustle 24×7. You want to be creative. You want to run away. You want to live. You want to die. You don’t give two hoots about anyone. You want people to listen to you. You go out with many people. You are the ‘Do-Not-Disturb’ sign personified. You stay in. You go to many places. You do a ton of things.
And every layer gets even more frenzied with each passing day. They want to be challenged, surprised, and fed. No one layer is ever going to be enough for you. Even if it is well kept, fed, and maintained, only pumping blood to one side of the body is never good. The heart keeps circulating blood everywhere. To every single cell. To every large organ. To the small and big spaces. And you are surprised that people condemn you for wanting everything. When the very thing keeping you alive is doing the exact same thing.
Why can’t you have everything? People tell you that life is not fair. That you simply cannot have everything. That no one can have it all. But somehow, with every passing phase, you hold your ground. More often than not, it is a constant battle. You end up in a perpetual state of exhaustion. The confusion that comes with it. The arrogance that comes with it. The conundrums, the questions, the tears, the stubbornness, the recklessness.
Plurality is your norm. The world is eternally trying to conform you into a singular space. You know you can’t. Even from a biological standpoint, you literally can’t. You have a twin. From the time the sperm hit the egg, from the conception of you, inside the womb as well, your DNA was set for you, to be always more than one.
Featured Image Credits: Sri Harsha Dantuluri